How to deal with a VERY manipulative, dependent "friend"?Okay, please bare with me because this might be long. I have this "friend" [and i say friend in quotes because it's to the point where I don't even like her, let alone consider her a friend] who is what the DSM IV calls "dependent/codependent", meaning she can't do ANYTHING on her own. She can't deal with any of her major life issues alone, she can't even console herself if she's in a bad mood or feeling upset. This is also complicated by the fact that these things cause major depression.
Obviously I did not know these things when I became "friends" with her because I wouldn't have become friends with her. She has me metaphorically held hostage and is making my life a living hell. I have to talk to her every single day for hours at a time or else she texts me or calls me constantly saying she needs me. She's EXTREMELY manipulative, i.e., if she texts me at 3am and i tell her i'm sleeping, she'll say "oh, sorry, i'm just having chest pain and can't stop crying, but I guess I'll let you sleep", then continue to text me.
I'm 100% certain she has made up lies and tells me them all the time, and I know these because certain things just don't add up and you can tell when someone is telling you something so outrageous that it's a lie. Right now she is going through something hard right now but I can't deal with this anymore.
Now, people's knee jerk reaction is going to be to say "ignore her, she'll go away." Well, she tells me if she ever loses me as a friend or if I stop talking to her, she will kill herself. The common sense part of my brain tells me this is just for attention and part of her disorder. The common sense part of me says call my cell phone carrier and block her phone number, and let her learn to take care of myself. I can't even take care of MYSELF because she just unloads all of her stuff on me! Not only that, she has this friend who texts me if she whines to him that she misses me and threatens me, which scares me.
Basically I need some advice because I want to be cut free from her. There's a point where enough is enough. She is an adult and needs to take care of herself, she's 19. But I need some advice on how to do it. Just last night i tried to tell her I needed space and she freaked out, said she hated herself and wants to kill herself for "doing this to me" [another of her manipulative features] and she just wants to die.
Please, some advice or kind words or thoughts on how to do this. I'm just nervous that something will happen and one of her crazy a** family members will try to kill me.
Thanks in advance.
- roxxygrrl13
Have you told her that if she was really your friend she would consider YOUR feelings every now and then? Sounds like a terrible person to have in your life but you have to start distancing yourself slowly until she leeches on to someone else.
- Kattena
If she's going through a VERY tough time, she should go to a therapist ASAP. If that's not the case and you just want to simply tell her to stop bothering you, explain that she doesn't need to freak out because seriously, it's not right for her to dump everything on you. Even if she blames herself so much that she'll kill herself, stop her. Stop her and tell that it's an idiotic thing to do and that's not the right answer and it won't solve everything. She can't continue living her life like this, so she needs to change.
If she doesn't listen after, tell her that it'll make YOU mad if she kills herself.
- tim g
learn to walk away and say you're busy. she'll get the hint. be her friend on your terms only.
- ★Wonder Girl ★
Oh my Dear Sweet Lord in Heaven....have you inherited my old best friend?! I feel your pain. She is incredibly hard to control and is VERY manipulative. She used to make up all these lies so that she wouldn't seen like such a boring person, or seem really smart, or just because she can, and she does the worst things when I'm not there so that I am forced not to leave her alone (i.e., become pregnant and then get an abortion behind her mother's back, or cut herself so much that I ((yes, me)) had to wake up at 5 to call the paramedics because she was on the floor next to the phone) but eventually I got so sick of her that I was celebrating when we moved away and now I visit her occasionally. I swear by God, when she turns 16 I'm putting her in rehab. It's amazing how many beers that 14 year old girl can chug in a day. Anyway, just either tell her you need some time alone and BLOCK HER, introduce her so some other people (that's what I did!) and make them suffer instead, or just move away. Good Luck and GOD BLESS YOU!
- Lily
I hate to say this, but she is not going to go without a fight. Explain to her how you feel she is not considering you and your feelings when she just dumps on you. Don't just drop her- it may make her ask her other friend do more than just threaten you by text. And you certainly don't want that.
I don't know if you see her locally, or if you just communicate via voice/text (if it's a long-distance friendship)... if you see each other in person, just changing your phone number isn't going to do the trick, as you will possibly still have to see her in person every now and then... even if the meeting wasn't planned.
You could say you'll be there for advice every now and then, but that maybe she should talk to a counselor about her bigger problems (if you do this though, say that the counselor may be able to help her more than you can- do not make it sound like you believe she is crazy!). She may need medication for her depression, and the counselor can figure this out when they talk. If she does need meds, they may help her and you may see a change in her behavior, which may make it easier to keep her as your friend.
It's not right to just completely drop someone though, and I hope you will figure out a way to talk to her about your own concerns. Because it doesn't sound right at all, in what she is doing to you with her talk of wanting to end her life if you stop talking to her.
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